Whole Foods wasn't always the hip trendy hell hole that it is now. It once was called Fresh Fields and it sold all the organic foods and that type of thing but without being overpriced and pretentious. My mother used to like to shop at the Fresh Fields in Springfield for produce because you could find things there that you couldn't get anywhere else. They had star fruit and kiwis and mangos before they became vastly popular and could be found everywhere. They also had a wide variety of melons and other exotic fruits and vegetables. They were basically nothing like they are now. It was mostly the worlds largest produce section. They didn't have much else and definitely didn't have all the growler filling stations of food preparation stands. They were a small operation grocery store offering specialized food that was hard to find at other stores.
Then other gourmet stares started to pop up and they offered all of the produce plus other things. I remember the first time I went into a Harris Teeter I thought it was magical and then I went to a Ukrop's and eventually a Wegman's. Each experience was better than the last, and each store was offering more and more and going to them was more like an event than grocery shopping, and then Whole Foods took it to another level. Fresh Fields was re-branded and was now going to be the organic super store of everything wholesome that would make you and the world healthy, and people bought in. Saying something is organic is a quick an easy way to double the price of anything. Going to other gourmet grocery stores may feel like an event for the shoppers but Whole Foods actually tries to make it an event.
That brings me to this past weekend. I needed hot dog buns and mustard. I had bought this three pound bag of super delicious hot dogs and Wegman's and was out of buns and never had mustard in the first place. It was also a weekend and Wegman's was going to be crazy packed with insane people that treat grocery shopping like The Hunger Games. That meant Wegman's was out of the question as both the store and the parking lot were going to be war zones. The other easy option was Safeway but I decided not to go there because while they wouldn't be crowded that shopping center has a lot of other places that would be on the weekend and it is a very poorly designed parking lot. It is hell on a weekday afternoon. On a weekend it would be a Hellraiser level nightmare.
So Whole Foods it was, because I figured they would be the least crowded, easiest to get out of, and how much can they rip you off on hot dog buns and mustard. These were all mistakes. Whole Foods was extremely crowded and the type of people that shop at Whole Foods don't treat grocery shopping like the Hunger Games they treat themselves like Lannisters from The Game of Thrones. They are the type of people that will charge at you with a grocery cart and then curse at you for being in the way. They don't have to treat grocery shopping like The Hunger Games because they created The Hunger Games. Grovel before their entitlement or be run over in the bean aisle.
When Whole Foods isn't crowded you may find yourself being charged at by an angry hipster for daring to take too long deciding between a peanut butter cookie and oatmeal raisin cookie. Take that and times it by one thousand and that is what it was like this weekend. Luckily I didn't need to take any time to decide on what I needed and I had my directions mapped out in my head. I knew where the buns would be and quickly got there and then discovered that they may not have hot dog buns. I had to stand there for a bit looking before I found them on the bottom corner of the shelf and they only offered one type of hot dog bun, some kind of multi-grain wheat, and they are the worst buns ever. I haven't had one that the hot dog hasn't fallen out the bottom of and they taste like grainy cardboard.
Luckily I wasn't there long enough to attract the rudest of the Whole Foods shoppers. The ones that stand inches behind you while your shopping and say excuse me until you vacate your position even though you aren't done with your shopping yet. They then stand there longer than you would have been deciding in the same way you were. The best thing to do to this types of monsters is when they ask to be excused tell them that they are but it would be nice if they would let you finish with your business before butting in front of them or just say pardon me but I'll just be another moment. Of course there are the excuse me monsters that don't even wait for you to move and treat their saying of excuse me as an excuse to elbow you in the face.
I didn't run into any of them but what I did run into was something almost worse. Throughout the shopping experience thus far I had noticed that the music in the store was louder than normal and almost sounded like a live band, but that would be insane because grocery stores don't have live bands. As I would come to find out this is a mad crazy world and Whole Foods takes people treating shopping there like an event to the whole new level of making it an event and did indeed have a live band. It took me longer than normal to find the mustard because it was well hidden. Mustard is one of those commoner foods and like hot dog buns it is beneath Whole Foods to even offer it. I once went there to get fish for dinner, decided to get shrimp to make shrimp and grits, and then spent an hour looking for grits only to realize they don't sell grits. They also don't sell corn syrup or corn oil and the only corn product they sell is corn.
After weaving in and out of the shoppers on their murderous rampage in search for their groceries i found the mustard. I had four choices, yellow, honey mustard, Dijon, and German. I decided on the German, but couldn't get it yet. There was a woman in front of me swaying out of rhythm to the live music. I was extremely confused because here was the person this live band was for. While normal people would find a live band in a grocery store a complete oddity here was someone attempting to dance to their crappy covers of Johnny Cash. I needed to get the mustard, my head was on the verge of exploding, and I was filled with enough anger to make Yoda turn to the dark side.
She wasn't exactly in front of the mustard, but when the notes swayed here too far in one direction she leaned in front of it. She was basically a pendulum obstacle from an old 2D NES game. I had to wait until she was just passed the mustard, reach in, and then pull my hand back out before her swaying caused her to hit me. So I did the only thing I could think of. I said excuse me, grabbed the mustard, and made a break for the cash register. As crowded as the parking lot and store were I figured the wait in line would be just as long. But no one was in line. They must have all been enjoying the live music or eating at one of the many cafes or getting their growlers filled after sampling the wide selection of the snobbiest beers.
Happy to be outside with my $5 worth of mustard and hot dog buns I booked it to my car, but the store had one more surprise to throw at me. While I was walking well to my right and as close as I could get to the bumpers of the cars next to me an SUV darted through the open spots in front of me and was a foot or two away from smushing me into the pavement. This annoyed me because it is illegal to drive that way and I was almost run over by some person not minding their surroundings. Of course no one at Whole Foods minds their surroundings. The surroundings should mind them and move out of the way because royalty is coming through.
At the end of the day I got what I came for, but not without having loads of anger and stress dumped on top of me and deciding that next time I need simple items on a weekend I will go to 7/11. They can never be that crowded and it is hard to run someone over in their parking lots, and they also sell hot dog buns and mustard in an easy to find location.
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